What Hurts the Most
by Morralls
Summary: What hurts the most was being so close: Having so much to say and having you walk away. Never knowing what could have been and not seeing that loving you is what I was trying to do.
1. Chapter 1

1Author's Note: When I blackmailed Trivial Queen into turning the three Snippets 'Fall', 'Sound', and 'Distance' into a fic, she asked me to write a fic as well, using the same snippets to a different... feeling to it, I guess. I decided to take her up on that. Anything that belongs to Trivial Queen is in bold. For those of you who know the song, my inspiration comes from 'What Hurts the Most' by Rascal Flatts. If that means anything to you, you'll have insight into this fic.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Sophie~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Sophie?" He says my name in _that voice_. The one that makes me weak in the knees, that makes me want to turn around and run to him. But I don't. I'm standing here, my back to my team... my family, and I'm thinking about staying.

I want to stay. I want _so badly_ to stay.

But that's exactly why I should go. Because it hurts, literally _hurts_ to stand here and hold myself back. I can't breathe, and I'm not in control of the tears in my eyes. I don't know what to do anymore. My head is screaming at me to leave, to run away and never come back. My heart is telling me that if I leave now, that's it. I'll never hear his voice again, never get to tease him on a job again, never get to see him lose his train of thought when I do something particularly shameless again. I'll never see him again, never see those eyes again. I don't know if I can handle that.

I don't know how to explain how I feel about him. I hate him. I hate him for destroying himself, and for taking our team down with him. I hate him for making me love him. For making me unable to do more some nights than sit up and dream about the old days when he was unavailable. I hated Maggie back then. I would have hated Sam too if the child wasn't so bloody loveable. Just like his father, the boy had me around his pinky finger as soon as he turned those icy blue eyes on me. Nate thinks that I've got him in the palm of _my_ hand, but he's wrong.

I say jump, and he asks me why.

_He _says jump, and I bust out the trampoline so I can get extra height to my jump.

I love him. I hate him, but I love him, and I don't know which of the extremes is stronger.

"Sophie? Are you coming?" Nate asks. I don't answer. I don't _know_. I'm a thief. When we get too attached, we walk away. But the rest of them want to stick around. We're the exceptions. The thieves who really started to care for each other, and I _do_. I love them all, in a different way than I love _him_ though. It's not fair.

**Of all the theaters in all the world he walked into mine that autumn night. Walked in and offered to play my game. And I began to fall.**

**But he's a drunk, a closed off drunk. He truly cares for me; I can see it in the moments before the Scotch dulls his eyes and senses.**

**He's shutting us out, self destructing before our eyes. I can try to love him, help him – save him, but I can't. I'm still just a criminal.**

**Fuck it.**

_**Fuck you**_** Emotionally Unavailable Guy.**

**I love you, but I've got to love myself more.**

I turn around, and he smiles at me, and my resolve almost gives out then and there. "You're coming." It's not a question.

I answer it anyway. "No. I'm not. I can't do this anymore Nate. I've sat by and watched you destroy yourself for long enough. I'm not doing it anymore. I'm not going to help you pick up all the pieces." My voice breaks, and there are tears in my eyes. God, please don't make me go. I don't want to go. I love him, and I want to help him, to protect him, even if it's from himself. Please let me stay. I can love him from far away if I have to. Just don't make me go. _Please_. "I'm not coming back."


	2. Goodbyes

1The others were gone, the team separated without Sophie. They wouldn't stay together, sans one teammate.

"Okay... bye then." Sophie turned around, and the words escaped, unbidden, from Nate's lips.

"Wait." Sophie paused, but didn't turn to face him. "Where are you going?"

"Towards the airport. I'm _leaving_, Nathan. I'm leaving the team. I'm leaving the country."

"The airport is a long way away. Do you want a ride?" Nate hated himself for even offering, to make it even easier for her to leave him. Still... it was a few precious extra moments with her, and he would give anything to prolong his time with her.

"You'll tail me."

"No. I won't." He promised. She turned and examined him shrewdly, searching with all the skills she knew to detect a lie.

"No, you won't." She agreed eventually, looking satisfied. "Then I'll take a ride."

He opened the car door for her one last time, and, like always, she brushed against him as she got in, her lips just inches from hers. He wanted so badly to take that kiss he had been refusing himself for too long now, but it would do him no good. It was better to keep quiet and let himself wonder than to know. She got into the car, looking slightly disappointed and he closed the door reluctantly before walking around to the driver's side of the car and climbing in.

"So any idea what country you're going to?" Nate asked, after a moment's silence."

"I haven't thought about it." Sophie replied quietly. "I'll probably just _go_. I haven't done that in so long. I miss the freedom of not having to hold back. It's been a lone time since I've been able to sit and _not_ worry about more than myself."

Nate knew that was directed at him. He wasn't stupid. He got her pointed asides and barely veiled insults. He understood that she had been waiting for him, and that she was done waiting. He also knew that he wouldn't get her back for anything in the world, which was killing him. "That sounds relaxing. Don't get caught, Sophie."

"I might go straight." Sophie mused. "After all, I did it before..."

Nate pulled up to the airport. "Why _did_ you become a citizen?"

Sophie looked at him. "Because you stopped chasing me." She replied honestly. "Good bye Nathan."

The words that Nate really wanted to say caught in his throat. "Good bye Sophie."

Sophie closed the door and headed towards the doors, and Nate rolled down his windows. "Sophie!" She turned, one eyebrow raised. "I-" The words caught again, and Nate looked away for a minute. "I just wanted to say good luck."

"To you too." Sophie replied calmly, wearing one of her personas. Sophie wasn't this apathetic. She turned around and went into the airport. Nate rolled his window up.

"I love you..." The words were so easy to say when she wasn't there to receive them. He drove off to a spot where he could park and watch the airport. He sat on the roof of his car, watching as airplanes took off and vanished, wondering which one was carrying Sophie away from him. He dug in his glove box for a flask of some kind of liquor and resumed his seat, watching until well after sunset. He wanted to believe that she would be back. He wanted to believe that he would see her again, but he wouldn't. She had said she was never coming back, and he didn't doubt it. He had heard her say it, and he knew that she wasn't lying. He knew her voice better than any sound in the world.

**No matter the accent she was always the same. It and she had this eternal quality. Her voice brought out something in him. It's quality, warmth. Even during a con. It's a little stronger, a higher energy – making her more attractive. Lord help him, but it did. She was already gorgeous. But this voice, her voice, put him over the top. Drove him wild. And masochist that he was he learned every nuance. "About" came out British no matter what. He could tell she was lying, tell when she meant it. When a Good Bye was really a Good Bye.**

She was never coming back.

~0~

Sophie was in a window seat, and her sharp eyes caught the glint of sunlight of a red Tulsa Roadster that was parked nearby. There was a figure in dark clothing leaning against the hood, and Sophie touched her fingertips to the window. "Nate..." She blinked back tears, fighting a losing battle and quickly surrendering. Her heart was begging her to do anything to get off this plane. To go to him and never let go, but she had to be stronger than that. She had become too attached to them all, and so she had to go. To get out of there. It wasn't safe for thieves to get that close to each other. Nate was still leaning against his car, but he stood up as her plane took off. She whimpered, pressing her palm flat to the window as though she could reach through the glass and to him. "Nate..." Tears spilled over her cheeks. "I love you."


End file.
